She doesn't believe in shooting stars

[sweetsalome]

I told him last night, about Jonba, about who the father was - and the ensuing conversation was enough to give me a headache and make me cry. I hate crying, it's the worst thing in the world, and it's true what they say; Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and cry alone. I feel like a freak. I also feel like nothing was ever really fucking resolved. It's not so easy as just not going back. That's not how my dad works, when he has you, he owns you, he possesses you. That means that you are his to do with as he pleases. That can be good things, and that can be bad things.

I know that if I leave, he won't hurt Jonba. I know this because I see the way he looks at him, I gave him an heir and he's not going to ruin that. If I leave though, it's all over, I won't have a family any more. I will never be able to see my son again, I will never go back to my island with my boat and all the people I grew up with. He's told me that before, when I threatened to run away one night after we got into a fight. He told me that if I ever ran away he would disown me, and that I would be left all by myself. No one would love me, take care of me, because I am a monster, just like him. Just a worthless piece of garbage, because he took the only thing anyone would ever want from me.

I've given serious consideration to killing my father. It's one of my reoccurring dreams, he'll come into my room and . . .  when he's next to me after I would . . . slit his throat.  I would make him hurt for not loving me, for loving me too much, and . . .  Everything would be okay after that.  Wouldn't it?

Mortie says that Jonba should go into foster care, but I can't let that happen.  This morning I thought about taking him and running away, raising Jonba on my own, getting a job or something. It would be hard, but we wouldn't be a burden on anyone, and I would never, ever hurt him, I could keep him safe from the people who would try to.  Because they would put him in the system, and then they would forget about him, or someone would find out that he's a freak and they would hurt him.  Because of me, because that's my fault and he shouldn't hurt for that.  I should.

What happens if Jonba is mad like I am, like dad?  What if he gets angry and violent and nothing can stop him?  He needs to have someone around who knows that it's okay, that he's not a bad person for doing that. 

The worst part is that I can't tell anyone any of this.  I told Mortie and he got sick, I told Mortie and he doesn't kiss me like he use to.  He told me last night that he loves me, and I believe him, but I know he feels bad for sleeping with me because of what my dad did to me.

I can't be around people today, I'm just going to hide in bed until all this goes away.  I'm sad, I hate being sad.

       I just wanted Herod to love me.